well well. peaches. i think it crossed my mind that it was you, but i dismissed it when i read about the four corners. millions of peaches. peaches for free. lookout.

on another completely unrelated note, i came across this passage in nietsche this morning and thought i would share:

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

i like that idea but admit that its implications require an unwavering constitution the likes of which few possess.

is that really all i am going to write? a huevo.

mcafee's knob, late october

cascades, november 2nd

maryland vs. virginia tech, thursday night. and yes, i still do not own anything that actually says "virginia tech" on it

so i just read a comment left by an anonymous poster. i wish everyone would write a name or a clue as to their identity, but maybe it is easier not to say who you are. in any event, i think i have an idea who it might be. in response to the post - i hope you are right that being the one left behind is easier in the long run. the leaver definitely does regret, and it makes it hard for that person to then later reach out to the person left behind. that person made a huge impact in the life of the leaver, but it is true that the leaver feels guilt. guilt for leaving. guilt for not finding a better way. guilt for not doing everything possible.

i have long been of the opinion that you cannot take it with you. if one person needs to move, for school, job, etc., then asking the partner to go with you leads to immediate and long-term problems. when you go with someone, the semantics of it already points to a problem - the choice was not yours. you would not have left of your own accord. this could lead to problems if you are not happy in your new location and eventual resentment. what happens if that is not the final move? what if right when you get adjusted you have to move again? what if you are the one who decides to move: should the other go with you or stay to finish what was started?

clearly, this is a pessimistic view. every day people make these decisions. often they are happy. there are a hundred responses to my above claims, not the least being, if you really care about someone else, then it will work out somehow. that scares me a bit though bc it implies that one or both will become unhappy and then have to work through it. unfortunate for both sides really.

either way, going with or staying behind, the challenge is to deal with that new life which is created. the challenge for me has always been that no matter where i have lived, i have always sought some other view. true, i would love to be in the mountains again (sorry, va, these are more hills than mountains), but i know it will be at least 4 years until i have that opportunity again. and then i am already considering europe or south america or australia. and yes, i am selfish. if i were asked, after 4 years, to move to kansas to be with someone else, i would have to say no. i will compromise, but only on my conditions. i realize this sounds like a 12 year old, but it is who i am. maybe i will change in 4 years. maybe not

either way, i am glad for the person who responded. i think i know who you are, but even if i am wrong, i am glad to remember this person. and yes, i am still jealous of that ride snowboard.

in my excitement at finding this glorious haven, i totally forgot my whole reason for wanting to write in the first place. these were the three quotes on my homepage today (if you do not have a igoogle home page, i suggest it as it is lots of fun and you can add anything (limited) that you want.)

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
- Oscar Levant

Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us.
- Jerry Garcia

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.
- Ernest Haskins

i think my favorite of the three is the jerry garcia line. if i could be in the white house today, i can imagine this idea going through bush's mind when considering the wall street issue (i wont use the "c" word because i think it plays into the false belief that wall st has somehow gotten itself into something it cannot get out of. bullshit. they need to suck it up.)

anywho, happy monday.

ok, i have to write about something very funny. i just discovered that on the fourth floor of the library is a locked room only for grad students. you must have a student id to swipe at the door in order to get in. then, you can look, laugh and point at the "little" people who sit on the outside. with all their noise. and people walking. and books distracting them. we have lockers. of course i dont have a key to any of the locks, BUT, if i DID, well, then i would have a locker. in the library. i know. pretty fabulous.

i want to make it very clear that i am not for segregation. or putting some people above others. except in this case. and any other time that being over 30 is an advantage. yahtzee.

did you know duke has a football team?

ok, before i get into jimza's comment, i have a funny story from french class. so the teacher asks - qui est-ce qui vous avez voir apres le cours. now, in spanish, b and v sound the same. so, i heard - qui est-ce qui vous avez boire apres le cours. boire means to drink. voir means to see. the second question makes no sense, but as i heard incorrectly, i thought she said "drink and after class," so i looked at the kid next to me who was obviously hung over and replied, "john va boire apres le cours." the teacher looked at me strangely until she got that i misunderstood the question. my answer to "who is going drinking after class?" was "john is going to drink after class." after explaining my mistake, the teacher and the rest of the class thought it was funny (read- i am stupid)

so jimmy d, p-bot, i definitely remember your pager. i also remember using your pager after it either stopped working or no one paid the bill. good times.

i also remember my first-year roommate stealing some dude's pager at a party. classy. also, said person was the first one i knew to own a cell phone. although, as his night shifts at wade's might not have paid the bill, i dont think he kept it long. of course, after he dropped out and remained living in my room for the next three months, he was definitely saving money (and let me tell you how much fun it was not to be able to lock my door for those three months because jackass, after dropping out of school, had to give his dorm key back, which made his comings and goings all the more obnoxious). ah, freshman year. your mention jammer of "upper quad" threw me for a second. did we know it as anything other than the ghetto? all the kids on the other side of campus called it bfe, but that is another story.

the lost boys. fidel da fish and the "burial at sea" after his untimely death where 'foul play was suspected.' how can i forget going into the bathroom late one night and seeing jesse's head sticking out from under the stall as i was myself using the urinal? dude, are you ok? to which no response meant i had to go down the hall to see "the lost boys" and inform them that one of their own needed removal before the ra, tyler i think he was, found him. i remember watching them drank the poor kid down the hall (i think it was by his feet, but i could be misremembering). i think the fourth floor of thomas saw about 20% of its residents move on to another year of school. the rest, like ol jesse, never made it back.

was the power plant that operated outside your (jimza) side of the hall a coal plant? i seem to remember you not being able to open the window.

jesse. i remember the night he entered thomas from the wrong side of the building and climbed into bed in your room because it was the third door down on the right from where he entered (the exact location of his room but the opposite of the hall). damn. how many stories do i have of jesse? and consider, these are the only stories i can actually put onto the internet (mainly bc they do not involve myself or any of those who might read this bad boy).

jim, you are a nice guy.

when was the last time i updated?

ok, so i am back in school in the usa (anyone ever see the rodney dangerfield flick, i think it was called back to school?)

some lessons from school and working at a bar where 21 yr olds and even underagers like to hang out:
1. monday is a drinking night. so is tuesday, wednesday and every other day.
2. college kids are cheap as hell (we knew this one too)
3. no one does homework in undergrad classes (except me - rocking the 93 on my french exam). few do homework in grad classes
4. now that one of my grad classes is down to two people, we better do the reading.
5. walking down the sidewalk in a college town, after around 7pm, is hazardous - you might get hit by a car (evidenced by the two kids who were hit, at least one dead, about three weeks ago while walking home from the bar)
6. if you dont have an ipod, you are not as cool as you think you are.
7. no one drinks water, everyone drinks soda during the day.
8. short shorts and skirts are fashionable even when it is in the high 40's at night
9. a prom dress, cut off around mid thigh with a fat elastic band holding it to their legs is now fashionable for girls. sad really.
10. asking for the id of a woman in her thirties (in this town at least) will raise your tips by at least 30%
11. if you are a bit older (30, ahem), then customers who are also a bit older will tip you better if you talk to them. most college kids still dont tip bc they have no money (to which i can relate)
12. the percentage of people who consistently go out to bars, out of the total population of the school, is about 15%, e.g. you see the same damn people week in week out
13. redneck accents while speaking french are fucking HILARIOUS
14. 75% of people in philosophy would be considered dorks by 95% of the campus
15. we are all dorks in my program
16. except me (see 15)
17. working until midnight or so does not allow you to get bed by 1am after riding a bike home. you just cannot relax enough
18. working at a restaurant makes you stink of food.
19. not washing your work shirt enough can lead from no 18 to making your house stink of food too
20. when your over 60, retired, gregarious landlord is at the bar where you work more than you are (bc he tells you, "hey william, guess you didnt work ____ (fill in day,) i looked for you", give up trying simply to smile and wave when you leave the house in the morning. conversely, refusing a beer at 11am on a tuesday is also grounds for said landlord to eye you warily.
21. acting standoffish toward your extremely outgoing and talkative landlord at the beginning of your lease is something you will only forget to do once in your life.
22. the amount of spare time you have to write on your blog drops precipitously once you are in classes.
23. three grad classes is a full load. adding a language class to it is not recommended if you like to do things with your free time other than work or study.
24. you can no longer rent taps for kegs. you have to buy the damn thing (we bought a pony keg for our birthday dinner last weekend)
25. a pony keg of good beer is twice as much as twice as much natty lite. shocker
26. the first response to anyone who mentions an upcoming birthday is, "so, you going downtown?"
27. girls drink cheap, cheap beer just like guys.
28. skipping happy hour (which at most bars down here is four hours long every day) is like leaving your cell phone in your apt/dorm room. doesnt happen
29. not drinking soda at work (only water) makes other younger servers think you are "weird"
30. irresponsibility, when taken on a grand scale - say 70% of population- is not only disturbing but contagious.

hope one or two make you laugh.
cheers

read two books this past week. one was a crime-fiction, well-schooled in murder by elizabeth george, that my sister gave me probably 12 or more years ago. found it in my room in madison. the writing is decent, not extraordinary, but with certain qualities that make it fun to read. the second, flags in the dust by william faulkner, is one of the more moving books i have read this year. dealing with the sartoris family in mississippi, as so many of his novels do, this one was not published until many years after it was written. his publishers claimed it was 3 or 4 novels without enough of a connection. if ever there was a reason not to listen to publishers and editors, this would be it. as far as a grand narrative spanning lifetimes and historical events, like a tolstoi novel perhaps, it has more of a collected short stories feel. four main story lines separated by characters but all have a bearing on another as in the end, they are all essentially family. beautifully written in faulkner's often dense and distracted prose (stream of consciousness thrown in at times), it foretells so well the coming of realismo magico or magical realism of a garcia marquez or alejo carpentier. the final 40 pages or so are densely pathetic, stirring emotion and announcing a finality through death and birth. the novel implies that no matter how hard one struggles against fate, there are certain people who are simply born into a pattern that they are doomed to fulfill. the female characters are somewhat exempt, but to them falls the difficulty of living with and outliving the arrogance, stubborness and finally tragic outcome. but is it tragedy if you seek it? although the story in many sense affirms the inability to evade fate, it clearly shows the fate as chosen as it is inevitable.

rare novels affect the reader for any appreciable time after the story ends. nevertheless this text has clearly driven the writing of a good friend of mine down in mexico (indeed he recommended it to me), and having read it i see his own work in a different light. as well, it is clear the effect that faulkner's writing had on garcia marquez and his stories cien anos de soledad y el general en su laberinto. helping my friend edit his text i have been struck by the difficulty of writing well. sounds obvious, but when you read a text so clearly and comprehensibly written that it seems easy, you thoughtlessly compare the writing of others to it and deprecatingly demarcate the failures. unfair really.

i am now about halfway through another book called "the once and future king". king arthur story but told from a rather different perspective. if you have the time, i highly recommend it (very easy read, probably intended for younger audiences in general) as it truly is fun to read.

well well well. first day back at school. my first class so far has been french. here are the general course listings. 1105, 2105, then it goes higher, but those dont matter. i dont really speak french. i took a course this summer, was a total nerd (maybe i should use the present tense) and got the best score in the class. so, i decided that the 1105 was too basic (and yes, there is an 1106 offered next semester, but you know i go to a small school of only 29000 souls, so i can understand why they would not be offering any of the in-between courses).

it turns out i am not the smartest kid in my class. however, i am certainly not the worst (although as the herd thins this week, i wonder how far down i will sink as those others who only caught 70%- and yes that is a guess number- of what the teacher was saying will drop). but not me. i am in it for the semester i think. yes, it is going to be hard, but it is better than taking the wimpy course and being bored out of my mind. plus, this aint the first time i have been in a room where i dont really speak the language. all in all, it will be an enlightening, and humbling, experience.

as a matter of fact, that is one thing i like about school, first days in particular. you walk away humbled.

later tonight i am attending a class i may or may not end up taking. i will let you know how that one fares.

has it really been almost 3 years without me discovering the identity of peaches? well, i am either dumb or, well, i dont know. i do know that i have no clue who it is. peaches, any help? also, how can i call or email you if i dont know your number or addy? drop me either of those and i am on it. directly.

the four corners clearly does not refer to colorado, arizona, utah and new mexico junction (because i have never been there). any other hints?

living the dream. alive and well down here in blacksburg. strange to be back in the states, stranger to back in the burg, but having a great time so far. here is something i wrote the other day.

blacksburg again. new apt, old road (broce drive). new job, same old job (sharkey's). new computer, new keypad (this will take some adjustment after learning and using a spanish version of the keyboard for the past three years). the differences make the experience unique, as they all are. looked over a few notes this morning and saw some notes from my first stint in grad school- thoreau and his philosophy on life: too much group think, too much movement (with the advent of trains and faster steam ships that made access to other parts of the globe if not mundane at least feasible for a larger part of the population), not enough communication with the natural. he moved to walden for myriad reasons, but one of the things he railed against was group think. information sources abounded, but what use were they? this concept has neither died nor diminished; if anything the exponential increase has caused mroe strife and needless movement while simultaneously increasing the gap between groups and the masses in general. no one will question the gain, but why does no one question the necessity of it? we have synthesized life as we have music and the written word. programs facilitate limitation.

unnecessary movement. i would be the first to disagree with his statements in that regard, but to what end? to justify my own meandering. sinuous path was simply a circle. the trail did not double back on itself, and the view did not erase a previous vision so much as provide complimentary perspectives. riding through campus on a bike yesterday showed me what i never saw on foot or en coche. la vista, no tan diferente, los edificios han cambiado pero no tanto que no puedo reconocer el paisaje. the skyline. the sun still sets over burrus in the early fall (depending upon where you stand). my williams hall has become the psychology department and the english dept. has moved to my freshman year dorm. how can that not be seen as a step back? the humanities have been pushed uphill to the ghetto (for those in the know) or to bumfuckegypt for those on the other side of campus. a proximity to the bk lounge (did i really work there for a month 12 years ago?) does not confer a status reflecting academic excellence. chale.

listening to big head todd and the monsters (did i really go see them at mixers 16 years ago?), and enjoying it, reminds me that some changes do not imply forgetting nor that what was left behind was unwanted or loved. i loved this town 8 years ago when i left it. on many levels it has improved, or perhaps grown would be a more correct term. what is the obsession with affirming that new is tantamount to improvement? group think. of course, when segments of the population do not embrace the new, we label them old, crochety, stubborn or, and perhaps the worst, weak. unable to adapt. adapt was a word i used to describe myself for every job i sought (how strange then that when i returned to blacksburg and applied for a job i filled out no applications, had no interview and was accepted for what andi wi who i am without a word). do i know how to adapt? or do i simply write to rail against what i have lost? my new phone annoys me. i am paying more than i want for an apt far from my ideal. i have given up a steady source of income that sustains me. i have seen too many episodes of poirot and now i will have to find another to replace it.

but the title track of this disc- bittersweet- seems to fit so well. guitar, bass and drum. strong lead vocals. the rhythm, like the voice, so familiar. "are we everything we wanted?" if we are not, then how realistic were the desires? "a bittersweet surrender." at what point do we all give up and accept who, what and where we are? cynical. unfair. pessimistic. fuck it.

strange that we stopped quoting famous poets and plays and other literary works in favor of modern, pop poetry- music. are we uncultured? impossible since this is now our culture. are we in a state of decline in this country? if so, does anyone care enough to retrard the slide? unlikely on both accounts. movement on a plane has a clear rising and falling action, but in four dimensions (i wont even get into string theory with its proposed minimum of 7 to 11 dimensions), there is only movement. we are neither above or below another time, simply we are not in the same space as before. an orbit seems to imply that we are returning, once a year, to a previous point yet this description has neither spatial nor temporal validity. but the cyclical, or eliptical, orbit implies a sort of return. regression. i am always fascinated at the problem of language. each word holds too many meanings. too many implications, value judgements. vocal communication creates as many problems as non-verbal signs. if only foucoult and derrida we easier to understand, right? their work on signs and play might elucidate some sort of truth for all of us instead of those who spend their time in a world unlike the others (parallel dimensions?). i have lived 80% of my life in an academic environment. i have no desire to leave it.

patience. i wrote, and to large extent believed, that i had become more patient. it is a lie. my frustration with those things beyond my control has not decreased due to my time down south. if anything, i may have lost the patience i once had. an ongoing project then.

my apt has one window and three doors leading out. my time is divided into looking there though the scenery is unchanged. movement has been checked.

"are we everything we wanted?"

i was bummed the other day to see that i was listed as an out of state resident for virginia tech. so, i consulted my sis and with her advice i wrote to the school, they re-evaluated the application and, believe it or not, granted me in-state tuition. i have to admit i was definitely sad at having to pay around 16-17000 bucks over the first year and possibly the second. at least this way the tuition is about cut in half. relief.

Having to choose what is left behind creates many more challenges than what to take. I see that superficially this is a semantic game. Each idea could mean the same thing. Both situations require something to be left, but there is a subtler force at work. When deciding what to take, you look for essentials. This clearly depends on the trip and of course the person. Vacations may seem simple and clear, but what happens when you are like many of the people I have known over the past few years who are on extended stays. My friends mike and sam, who I hung out with and spent Christmas day with on the side of an active volcano, were on a vacation, but theirs was a 12 month stint. Round the world ticket, 12 months to use it. True, they spent about 6 months in Australia, but when we met them, in month 11 of 12, they were down to one backpack each. Not some giant pack people hiking the Appalachian trail use, but a book bag size pack. True they were each jammed, but damn. If you have ever taken a two week vacation (or longer), you know that when you get back things are a bit different and you are usually somewhat content to be home. Now picture that feeling on a scale immensely larger. Where is your home? Do you have any of the same clothes you started out with? Chances are the only constants are your camera (maybe) and pack.

For mike and sam, they had nothing original when they made that final flight back to England. I know bc I saw them the night before they left mexico- they and karla and I went to dinner. It was strange when karla and I descended the tunnel into the metro station and they were going to walk a bit and then head back to the hotel. When you take leave of someone in a public space, it is quite different from leaving someone in an apt or house and taking a cab from there (or getting in your car and driving away never to see them again). When was the last time you knew you were seeing someone for the last time? Coworkers (students) come and go. But chances are for most of you your friends are your friends. You know them and even if they move away, you will see them again. I have made a kind of profession of having to say goodbye to people I will never see again. College is crap, so I will throw that out. San fran, I lost a lot. Yes, I hope to see many of them again, like hulia, kristanovich, some of the boys from the mill, but in general, the vast majority are gone. Three years after grad school and where do I stand. My last email to anyone in or around flagstaff was almost two years ago. Cuban b, jam, j-rod, a few others I hope to see again, but most I will never cross paths with again. Undoubtedly I am not alone in this, and most of the people reading this have an idea what I am describing, but imagine giving up your best friends, on average, every two years. Why would you do that?

Which brings me back to the original question. What do you leave behind? How many memories, weekends, trips, promises, will you simply not pack with you? If you could perhaps you would include them all, but realistically, you know damn well you cannot. Who do you cut? Why? How do you justify it to yourself, or do you simply let them fade away and hope you either gave them the wrong email address or simply never will write you. Is there any way to make yourself stop feeling like a bastard? And girlfriends or boyfriends that get left behind? Shit. I must say though that it seems to be easier being the one leaving than the one staying. All those little reminders that stay in a place long after you leave it: restaurants, common friends, even simple things like streets you used to travel to get their house, signs or commercials you used to laugh at. They don’t change. So you have to. Or become, I imagine, incredibly thick skinned. Either way, it sounds fucking horrible.

Books and clothes are the first on my cut list. Some of the clothes I came down here with I simply wore out. Washing by hand every week took its toll on shits, underwear, socks, and even pants. The seems just give out eventually from overuse. This is why normal people have a clothes rotation greater than two pairs of pants, seven shirts, seven pair of socks and underwear, etc. but then when you get beyond that number, how do you carry it around with you when you leave? Without a car, what do you do? If you cannot carry it for a minimum of 200 yards, then you are fucked my friend. Start junking shit. Clock radio you bought six months before? Gone. A book you bought, thought you might read, never did, and weighs half a pound? Out (times 10). You literally will get to the point of: okay, I know I will need deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo and soap where I am going, but do I have take with me what I have or can I just wait and buy it when I get there (will that make my first stop a drugstore or will I simply smell for a day or so)? You start to spend long amounts of time simple staring at your belongings, cataloguing. Those three shirts- Sergio, raul, or chucho. Those pants, Emilio. The sports coat clark gave you- return it.

It says a lot about you what you are willing to shed. How important is a book to you? If you are like, you just do not even buy things for yourself anymore. I will see about 10 people over the next few months that I have not seen in quite a while and I would like to bring them all gifts, but how? I have already bought another suitcase and will now have three checked and one carry on- over the limit and probably 50 bucks in fees (damn the new airline regulations), but what else can I do? Give away gifts I bought, in some cases, 8 months ago? So you start to weigh the worth of your belongings. What value does it have? Not only that, but what value will it have in 2 years when you may pick up and do it all over again?

Ultimately, you look around your apartment and realize that maybe 15% of what you see will be with you in two weeks (if you are me you do anyway). How do you justify what gets tossed? Little things like a mug I took from sanbornes restaurant holds as much value to me as a postcard I bought in Guanajuato, but only one of them will be making the voyage to Virginia. how many times have I already done this in other places? I have had 21 roommates over the last 15 years. And, two years ago, I had still had 21. that is a lot of damn people. The last time I wrote or heard from a single one of them not named jimza? Well over a year and a half. The last time I heard from one before that? Three years or more.

How do you keep count of these things? When you add it all up and settle the account, what do you do with the paper? I guess if it comes down to carrying it or shredding, then pass the matches.

back from vacation. great trip actually. i went to taxco (biggest silver mines in the americas), then zihuatanejo (beach), then uruapan (colonial town in the mountains) and morelia. lot of fun, and i visited another (inactive) volcano and saw a destroyed town. the volcano exploded about 60 years ago, burying the entire town in lava (the people got out). crazy thing is that in the middle of the lava sea is a church. 16th century cathedral survived (in part). it is wild to see miles of lava and then sticking out of the middle is 16th century architecture. i will try to get some picks up soon.


on another note, i wrote a few journal type entries which i will now add. might interest you, might not.

Have you ever given up on something you felt would have made the biggest difference in your life? Have you ever begun something and then pulled out without the finality you thought you would find? Did it burn? Or, did you simply accept it and see the new challenge involved in the unexpected change?

Leaving a country is not like leaving a town or a state. I know this sounds pedantic, and I apologize, but reflection is key. You buy a new car or a house, and undoubtedly you start to examine what led to that event. What changed in you to make this a necessity (we must careful when we confuse wants and needs)? Or was it spur of the moment? I know the latter quite well, but I think I am in denial about the former.

Quitting a country is like nothing I can easily compare. Your friends are different. Sure, most speak another language, but their world view is one you cannot truly comprehend. Empathize is what people tell you when confronted with a new world, whether it be a new economic circle or simply a new town. Has it worked for you? I find it a lie. You cannot truly put yourself in their shoes (my sister who is a psychologist might agree with me), so all you can do is attempt to understand. But you will fail. Sad but true. By definition, it is not your world you are relating to, so what within you makes it possible? Compassion is a common response. I have learned a thing or two about displacement and fitting in; hell, we all have. But there comes a time when you say, this ain’t my scene and it never will be. If it is a party, you walk the fuck out. If it is a place that does not quite fit, you accept it and leave. But what if you try to adapt? What if you try, succeed to an extent, then leave? Do you feel a sense of self-betrayal? Or do you ignore that feeling and concentrate on the future unknown? I would argue that even if you are going back to a place you know, that place is unknown, un lugar desconocido. You have a memory of it, but that is not present reality. You thought, but that thought is now outdated. You might end up right back where you started.

I know the usa better than anywhere else in the world. I have experience in seven different countries, but none of those are mine. I can honestly say that right now I am not sure if the us is mine. Reading too many of the famous ex-pats from the early 20^th century, from Gertrude stein to ezra pound, to hemingway to fitzgerald, I find more in common with them than I do H.L. Mencken who, famously, stayed. He did not give up on a country he described as disillusioned, false and economically unfeasible. Was he right? Will a country that feeds on consumerism outlast all others? I attended a lecture series down here by a self proclaimed ¨outcast¨ morris berman. I found myself more at odds with him than I did us policy. Anger? Disgust at being told a truth I found too consistent and therefore repugnant? Probably. But his own words spurred me to defend more than contribute fuel to a fire that is already consuming our country. So why do I side with those who fled 100 years ago and settled in france (they settled there, mostly, because of the favourable exchange rate by the way, and not simply because france is the capital of all forward thinking and avant garde)? Weakness? Inability to think for myself? Quite possibly.

So why did y’all stay? Why did none of you decide to quit the us and go somewhere else to ride out the storm? Did you see the storm as the eye of Jupiter? Yes, it has lasted for over 60 years, but did they tell you it is now clearing up? We have called it Cyclops for so long we might not recognize it if we were transported to the future in a hundred years and heard others discussing it. Is the us the same way. Empires are destined to fall is cliché. Clichés are accidents at first however. They spell out what we all know too well and are therefore easily dismissed as pedestrian. The Japanese effectively concurred the Chinese. Would we have seen the revival of china so easily? The Arabic and jewish nations have long heralded the coming of a new world order (no slight to george bush senior in my stealing of his phrase). Do you believe in it? Which?

Those famous ex-pats are all dead. And I am returning home. How long will home offer me the sustenance I apparently am after? Friendships span border lines; that y’all have shown me. I can reciprocate, but will that be enough to bridge the gaps we now find? What borders have been crossed that cannot be retread?

although i have not heard back from scotland, i wanted to do more checking on costs, and found some very bad news.

it appears that with tuition and fees, plus living, i would be running around 34000 bucks a year. that is a conservative estimate. it seems all that time i have spent thinking about it was not worth it. no way in hell i can afford that. i could not afford it for one year, much less two. oh well. looks like i will be virginia bound for the next two years. i am not disappointed so much as sad that the dollar is so weak compared to the pound. the good news is that funding for phd's is much better- more grants and such.

i guess i'm coming home.

still no word from scotland.

what would you do in my place if you were to get in? would you spend more money to go to the uk or stay in va for two years, get a master's and then go somewhere else, possibly scotland, for a phd? i am still up in the air. i want to go to scotland but money is a factor. i could just say screw it, go deep in debt and attend a school with an amazing reputation worldwide and one of the best schools in the field i want to study. if i go, there is the strong likelihood that i would stay and do a phd (in fact, if i did not stay in scotland, i would probably look for another phd program in europe). of course, once there, there is also the strong chance of me winning scholarships for the coming years.

in the end, five-six years down the road, i can definitely see myself teaching in europe somewhere. there are a few scandanavian schools that offer one year exchanges with schools in europe and from there i could get a foothold and scout a teaching position. or, i could stay in scotland or england. or, i could go to holland (there are a few schools there as well). the benefit of europe is their focus (generally) on theoritical issues, while the us school of thought is more pragmatic. i really dig theory, but maybe having a few years of the american school and then going to europe could also be good. i see advantages to both decisions. of course, deep down, i would love to go to edinburgh as it is such an incredible school and offers me the chance to keep moving (forward). also, the access to europe i would have is also a huge factor.

i have had enough of central america; i am ready (finally) to see europe. i remember five or six years ago having conversations with my sisters, and probably others, about why i did not want to go to europe. my reasons were that i did not have the money for europe (still dont), and that i may as well go to central and south america while i still dont mind sleeping on floors and living in dilapidated environs. what has changed? well, i prefer floors to bug infested beds (damn nicaragua). but, after seeing all of central america (ostensibly), i think i want to see what europe has to offer. as just about everyone and their mama has already seen europe, i wont expound upon things i dont know. simply, i want to go. plus, now that i have started learning french, i realize that, for better or worse, my mind is right to acquire new languages when it was not 15 years ago. thus, it would behoove me to take advantage of this time and go learn by exploring and talking with native speakers. that can, of course, be accomplished in blacksburg va. not saying it cannot. however, it would ideal to practice for a year, then actually go to france on a train.

anyway. rambling thoughts on a dreary, rainy and cold morning here in the valley of kings. 8500ft in altitude, sight of an ancient lake, ringed by 13-18,000 foot mountains and volcanoes, and home to the largest city in the world (i still think it is) at over 25 million people. can you believe a country boy from virginia who grew up on a farm is living here? neither can anyone else.

no news on scotland.

i finished war and peace, or the never-ending story, about a week ago. i mean, how can someone read 5-600 pages in a single weekend and be barely over halfway through a book. that is cruel. i blame the author.

of course the book itself is brilliant. the first aspect that struck me was the first person usage. tolstoy is telling the story from his point of view, 50 years after the events. he gives wonderful descriptions of napolean, kutuzov (russian general), of the russian emporer and of the nobility. of course, the peasant class is there, but not really part of the story. they are a tool more than anything. like horses in a way are utilized and often have to die, or suffer some sort of bad accident, so too do these people. you feel bad about it, but then how much thought do we give to animals that died in battles long ago.

so the novel is epic in its scope, but that vision is narrow. 1500 pages, so he could not include everything, but in the end he seemed to stick to what he knows. maybe that is the best idea in general. write about what you know and not some bullshit you cant comprehend.

i just finished reading albert camus's ¨the stranger.¨ have to say i did not really like this book as much (although the last 60 pages of war and peace is an essay- part of the reason why the book is not really a novel- too much non-fictional extrapolating done by a first person author). one thing that interests me though is the use of the guilotine for executions.

is it better than hanging? electric chair? lethal injection? the guilotine seems to me the most efficient of all. the weight of the blade would remove the head in one shot. at the very least there is nothing really to feel (unless some of you know more about this than i do and can tell me i am wrong).

but, it seems more brutal than lethal injection. not sure where i stand on hanging. i do think the electric chair must be absolutely fucking horrible.

when an author writes about the mind of someone who is facing death or long jail time, do you think the author ever feels a twinge, something telling him/her that perhaps that subject should not be written about? superstition. i think i would avoid it entirely. but i dont see myself writing any novels any time soon. shocker.

in light of my pending move (although not sure where that will be just yet), i found a highly amusing Mcsweeney's post. the link is here http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/27AlisonRosen.html

or, for the click-challenged, here is, in all their glory, ¨pick up lines to use while moving¨

"Nice shoes. Wanna put them in that box over there?"

"Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because the movers are going to be here soon, so we should put it in bubble wrap."

"Your father must have been a thief, because I can't find the duct tape."

"The word of the day is 'tarp.' What do you say we go back to my place and spread the word?"

"Mind if I put my junk in your box?"

"If this bed's a-rockin' ... maybe it's not worth taking to the new place?"

i think this guy is my new hero. out of the 34 possibles, i have had only about 10. but, every winter is like a test track. on a side note, i have started a summer beard. never done it before, so not sure if it will last (we are at 2weeks now). will keep you updated.

http://www.dyers.org/blog/beards/beard-types/

jim and timmay you will definitely enjoy this page.

oh jaim (like the mix of jim and jam?), there are many stories explaining why i should not have children. i think put together they also explain why one should never let me even hold a child. that said, if the baby were to stay in a crib and not need to be moved or anything for feeding or cleaning (this is getting less and less likely the more caveats i write), then i am definitely the babysitter of your dreams.

as far as holding children, i have avoided it for most of my life. not that i dislike children, but that i feel that if something is ever going to go horribly wrong, it will be while the child is in my care. fear is the mindkiller (weak dune reference there). i think i have pretty much convinced myself that even holding a child is bad news. what if i drop it? not likely, but what is likely is that the child might start to squirm or move around- what then? do you squeeze? that seems like a very bad idea give how small they are (not that i am competing in any strongman competitions. this year.) i mean, what if the kid kind of, you know, slips out? then you are stuck grasping at (straws) limbs. say you snag the leg, then the upper body flops down and the head jerks- all sorts of bad images conjured up on that one. or if you grab the arm you might break it (although i hear tell baby limbs are might springy, like a sapling).

to be honest, i am not sure how people hold children. it seems like a dangerous game (great short story) or a tender situation (killer ween lick). i think to avoid the stress, i best stay out of it.

that said, i have not decided where i will be this fall. i know i will be coming back to va this summer for a minimum of a few weeks. i would love to get back into kayaking, canoeing, hiking, camping, fishing, etc. va tech would not be a bad choice, but i have to say that scotland is without question my first choice. i think i am done with mexico, but i am not sure i am ready to go back to the states yet.

with that in mind i have a phone interview with a school in panama city. panama, not florida. then maybe one next week with colombia.

timmay, if you still get on this blog, when are you gettin hitched? will it be in steelcountry? hope so. if you can't marry a coal miner's daughter the very least you can do is score a pittsburgian.

germany versus turkey at 145 today. should be a killer game. of course tomorrow's will be better, russia (who stunned holland) versus spain (who finally beat the damn italians after 88 years of trying), but i have a stupid meeting i probably should not skip. i am rooting for turkey today because germany beat portugal who was my favorite of the groups. i am assuming that eurocup 2008 is big in the usa? maybe not a good assumption.

vive la turquie!

i received an e-mail this morning from va tech.
here it is:

Hi Will,
I'm so sorry for the delay.  Dr. Fuhrman returned your file to me this
morning and has marked it "admit".  Congratulations!  I will send word
to the graduate school so that they can send  you official notification.


Let me know if you have any other questions.
Thanks!
Crystal

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Crystal Harrell, Graduate Coordinator
Virginia Tech
Science and Technology Studies
122 Lane Hall, Mail Code 0247
Blacksburg, VA  24061
(540) 231-7615/(540) 231-7013 (fax)

no news about grad schools.

but, i think i have made a decision. i was planning on applying to school here where i currently work. there are lots of advantages: free school, get paid while going to school, i know a few of the profs. however, i think i have decided that the negatives are too great: the school is very new and at least two of their teachers just graduated from the same program; they have no international connections (no one outside of mexico is really aware that the program exists); the program is in disarray after almost being dismantled a year ago.

of course the main reason i am thinking of nixing the whole plan is that i am no longer happy where i work. i bitch about it all the time so i wont waste space here doing so, but i am ready to just say fuck it and move on. right now i am looking at some places in south america, but at this point i am open for just about anything. hopefully i will be accepted into one of the programs i applied to, but if not, i will simply wait another year and apply to more schools in the fall.

this is rather a difficult decision for me. one of my best friends here is going to be teaching in the phd program, and he and i were both excited about working together. but, the more i think about it, i dont like all the incest: you cannot simply graduate a bunch of students from a phd program and then give them jobs in the same school. the point, as far as i know, is to get outsiders, fresh blood, into the program. otherwise, you are propagating a system of education that is stagnant because though the students will naturally have tendencies somewhat different than their teachers, their perspective is limited because the program studied and the program to be taught is the same.

at least, this is what i am telling myself. nevertheless, i am nearly positive that universities in the usa do not hire from their phd programs, and this is why there is often great diversity and new ideas. there are probably negatives as well, but today i am seeing the positives.

in general, i feel like i am done with the school where i currently teach. my new boss is absolutely horrible and the new head of the high school is so bad that directors of programs in the high school (humanities, language, etc) are applying for part time teaching jobs in the university and other schools just to get away from her.

sinking ship. and i will be damned if i am the captain.

started french class today. je ne comprends pas. no entiendo. pero ninguno de los otros tampoco entonces todo bien, ¿no?

right.

my class is full of high school and university kids. actually, 4 of the 10 were once my students in english class. i was a little embarrassed at first because i was going to be in class with former students. if you have not been a teacher, i think you can still imagine how this feels. although you realize that you do not know everything (indeed you know next to nothing in the large scheme of things), they do not know this. students see you and their estimation, at first, goes down. good or bad, this is how it is much of the time.

i must say that taking a foreign language with a base of another language is interesting. i am learning french, but with spanish speakers. the two languages are similar, not in any way the same, but it is interesting to hear explanations about the french in spanish. kind of like two classes at once. i highly recommend the experience if any of you have the chance. learning a third language (or fourth or fifth or sixth) through a language that is not your own is interesting. i am not sure if i am explaining this phenomenon very well, but there it is.

on another note, i am trying to catch up on books i somehow never read. last saturday i read ¨the picture of dorian gray¨ by oscar wilde. how did i never read that? it is an unbelievable book (although after the first 70 pages or so it drags for another 30) with all sorts of famous phrases and witticisms. i highly recommend it.

my next project is tolstoy's ¨war and peace¨. again, how did i never read this book? i started it yesterday and have only read 150 pages or so, of the 1500 in the version i have, but it is unbelievable. brilliant writing (the translation by ann dunnigan is superb), great characters, excellent description. i love dostoevsky, and have read five or six of his books, but somehow i overlooked this one. i read anna karenina about 7 years when i first arrived in california and had no job but lived in the house a former relative. i went to the library (internet for jobs) every day during those two months in vallejo, and read numerous books including the aforementioned and ¨the brothers karamazov¨ which i also read again this spring when my sister sent me the book in a package. russian authors are amazing. too bad i do not read russian (and probably never will).

my next project is ¨les miserables¨. again, how have i never read it or even seen the play? my education is wanting. either way, it will be at least 2 weeks, maybe 3 before i finish war and peace, so i have time to find a good english translation. and no smartasses, my french will not be good enough by then to read it is french.

i, like most people, have always been adept at complaining. bitching. whatever name you want to give it. technology has not made bitching any easier, but it has made broadened the audience, which allows a single person to complain to thousands of people without having to spend hours on the phone, in someone else's office, or in other parts of the country.

that said, i emailed vtech again this morning explaining that i had a received an email about financial documents that sounded strange as i had heard no decision regarding my application. well, sure enough, the lady emailed me back within 15 minutes and gave me the news.

i have not been accepted to vtech. of course, i have not been denied admission either. it seems the head of the dept went out of town two weeks ago. and is not expected back for two or three more. right. which would mean that since i applied in april, i would be waiting until the end of june or possibly july to find out. sweet. consider this: i sent an application to scotland yesterday. i am guessing they will be able to give a yes or no before the month is out.

fucked? i think so. the system where you go on vacation for a month without deciding on the status of an application seems more than a little ridiculous. especially if you are the main person deciding whether to accept the candidate or not. if you accept late applications, then accept them and decide on them (i doubt the decision process takes more than a day). if not, then tell people before they throw down 150 bucks getting their scores, transcripts, et al sent in to you.

the secretary claims to be ¨tracking him down¨ in order to find out what the director's thoughts were before he left on his 6 week siesta.

what. the. fuck.

or maybe i am overreacting.

happy happy. joy joy.

graduation was last week. i was invited by two programs to attend their graduation party, but as they were the same night, i could only go to one. i chose the smaller group, the international baccalaureate group, and it was probably smart.

first they send out these formal invitations to us. the hotel where the party will take place is in the swankiest part of the city (far from where i live obviously), called el camino real. no reference to the sweet 70's and 80's car/trucks.

i arrive around 20 minutes late and was more than a little surprised. the male students wore suits, not a shock, but the girls were wearing prom dresses. one of them had what looked to be a wedding dress. no joke. i hung out with them, spoke spanish to them (which freaked them out as they had never heard me speak their language before) and met their parents.

yes, parents. this graduation party was paid for by the parents, and attended by parents and other family members. along with the salsa band, this was more of a wedding than a grad party. the teachers had to share two tables (this was actually great as i was not wanting to talk to parents all night), but after i sat down, a professor arrived who i cannot stand. truly dislike her and everything about her. she sat next to me, ignoring the six other open seats. sweet. i spent the next hour and half trying to concentrate on the best food i have eaten in at least 6 months (4 or 5 star hotel and restaurant, so 6 months is really not true at all), while doing all in my power to make some bullshit conversation with this prof. not fun. the band was pretty loud, so not only did i have to speak, but had to pretty much yell. boo.

finally, she left. this was around 1230am. that is when the party truly began. there were bottles of wine, tequila and rum on every table (everything was free, for me at least), but the very few students were drinking. why not? well, they are mostly 18, which is the minimum age here, but they were still accompanied by parents, siblings, at times grandparents. i ended up dancing with a few profs before some of the female students grabbed me and wanted to dance. as you probably know i am a bad dancer, but at the very least it was amusing (i am talking about people forming circles on the dance floor and random students grabbing profs and pulling them to the center to dance with them). i had a great time, but was sweating profusely. reminded me in some ways of oaxaca (except that i was a wearing a jacket, there was air conditioning, and the place was super formal, along with all the attendees).

i wont bore you with the details of the whole night except that i line danced. no joke. guess the song- achy brakey heart. translated into spanish. worse, i was joined by about 45 people, all of whom new all of the steps (admittedly it was basic line dancing, although how i know what more complex line dancing looks like i will never tell). i was the only one uncoordinated to do it correctly (or it seemed like i was anyway). hilarious.

around 4am, when i found a prof with a car to give me a ride home, most of the profs had left, but 3/4 of the students, and their families were still there. no joke. the parents stayed all night. i can not imagine this ever happening in the states. can you?



still no word on tech. jackasses. i am questioning whether i would even go there if i get in now. i applied to scotland, which has a much better school. also, the program at the school where i work now opened. i also was offered a full time job teaching university (which is more prestige, but also a few thousand more dollars a year) and i could be a full time student and still make money. this is definitely tempting. however, i think if scotland offers me a place, and i can get the student loans, i am definitely going there. so many more opportunities over there. also, there is something about going to tech again that seems wrong. not sure how to put my finger on it, but it almost feels like going back. i have never lived in a place again after i left it. of course there are many great things about tech, but today at least, something is telling me it might not be a good idea for me to go back there.

as usual, any comments are appreciated. let me know what you think about it all.

just realized that the day i took off, yesterday, was also a holiday for you. ya, that is not that exciting.

no word from the tech secretary. i emailed her last friday, but she never wrote back. i am guessing that she is either a. on vacation; b. down in the mouth about something and thus not wanting to talk to me; c. hating her job and trying to get fired by completely ignoring all emails; d. on a world biking tour; e. questioning her spirituality which is therefore causing her to be absentminded; f. fearful that my .mx email address implies i am mexican which may a. frighten her, b. remind her of a bad childhood experience, c. be a combination of a and b; d. reinforce a latent hatred for all things not usa; e. make her think she needs to learn spanish to communicate with me.

i am guessing there are a lot of other possibilities. feel free to leave a comment if you have any ideas what they might be.

went to a new town this past week. tepoztlan, about 45 minutes away. kind of cool. went hiking up a mountain that had a pyramid at the top dating from about 1000 years ago. i have seen a lot of pyramids now, and must say that although it was somewhat interesting, the view from about 11000 feet was much more so. you would think that living at 8000ft would make it easy to climb another 3000. you would be wrong.

syracuse won the lacrosse championship. i must say i am disappointed as both uva and duke both lost on saturday. could have been an all acc final. turned out being a half acc final four and acc-less final. bummer.

i think i am going to apply to a school in edinburgh, scotland. why not.

question: you have applied to a school, albeit almost 3 months past the deadline, and after a month of waiting, you still have not heard whether you were accepted or not. do you send an email to the department secretary (with whom you have had contact during the whole process), or do you take her last email, dated april 28 that ¨we have all your information and will let you know as soon as possible¨ as final?

i dont want to be obnoxious or pushy, but i also want to know. a fine line. i think i am going to email her and just see what happens. but feel free to let me know what you think if you read this today.

on another note, this site is fairly funny. if you have time to kill, check it out (this IS safe for work).

if th above link does not work, try this: http://colorwar2008.com/submissions/youngnow?page=2

and if you end up posting, please tell me so that i can laugh with (at) you.
if i post, there is not way in hell i am telling any of you.

funny, to me, story.
a student, and friend of mine, who is in the undergraduate program here where i work
approached me yesterday and asked my advice. my first thought was that he had two girls and was trying to decide how to deal with both or which to stick with or something rather light (well, at least compared to what he told me next).

so, he begins the story by telling me he is working on a group project for a class outside of his major (in his words: ¨me vale¨- translated: he doesn't give a shit about it). the group of 4 kids are friends, to an extent (i doubt how tight they are, but that will come up later). as i imagine everyone at some point has done group work, you know how this dynamic usually plays out. one or two people do all the work while the rest of the group coasts, then puts their names on it. bold strategy considering that the one person who does all the work determines the grade, but laziness is key and most settle for it.

the group divvies up the work between them and a week or so later my buddy, through messenger, sends a message saying his work is done. ok, messenger, as you know, records conversations. i just want to put that out there for future reference in the narrative. he receives no response from his group. days go by and nothing. as this project is about 50% of their final grade, my friend begins to do more work. he continues sending messages, but no one responds to him.

eventually, after about a week or more, he finishes the project. at this point he makes a daring choice. my school has a slogan that translates to: creating entrepreneurs. well, my friend lived up to the billing. he sent the group a message reading:

the project is done. you have 2 options. 1- pay me 75dollars each and i will include your name. 2. pay me nothing, fail the class and pay 800 dollars to take the course again next semester.

the kid is telling me this story and i start laughing. 75 dollars does not seem like much maybe, but down here that is a good deal of money. he stands to make the equivalent of about 500 dollars off these kids. if they take the bait.

two of the three immediately agree and pay him the cash. the third person balks. she claims that 75 is too much and will pay 20. my friend laughs at her and says, ¨ok by me. now this is a three person project.¨

perhaps it was his flippant reaction to her. maybe she just felt like she was getting robbed. maybe she thought that somehow she could swindle my friend. whatever she thought, her next move was, to say the least, decisive.

she makes an appointment with her professor. after crying a bit, she then spills the story. all of it.

as a teacher, i feel i need to interject something here. i think we all know that group work is a joke. rarely do the students actually work together. one person normally does more than the others, and we all know this. in english it is especially easy to see: if the writing is continuous and has a single style, well, one person did it. three kids never write the same, and unless by some miracle they actually sat down together, there is little chance that they seamlessly blended their prose. highly unlikely. what is more likely is that one kid does the group work in english, while another does the project for history, another for science, etc. at least that is how it rolls at this school. i wont generalize and say it always happens this way, but as teachers, we know this is going down. we may not want to recognize it. we may overlook it. but, we know. it. that is how the game is played.

so my friend is busted. but so is the girl. i asked my friend if he and the others were simply going to get together and call the 4th team member a liar. he said no. he had printed the messenger records. he was going to talk to the prof and tell the truth. he did all the work. he therefore sees it as his right to sell partially rights to his project. this kid is looking me in the face, completely amazed. not that he was busted, nor that the girl told on him. he brazenly tells me that he cannot believe anyone (the prof) really gives a shit about this. he is prepared to go tell his teacher that not only does he feel justified, but that the teacher is aware of what is going on and tacitly approves of it. indeed, the prof would probably do what he did if the roles were reversed. i am a fan of john milton and my first thought was a line from ¨paradise lost¨: ¨unabashed the devil stood / and saw how evil goodness was.¨

in some ways my buddy's actions are obviously unethical and flawed. on another level, this is what professionals do every day. not all professionals, i know, but some. in many circles this would be considered quick thinking on his part. he might even get a raise because of it. where i work, this is considered standard operating procedure. the kids do it all the time (i have since asked around). affluent families, somewhat warped morals (although this last part is highly debatable) and a general dearth of positive role models (this is another post) leads to this sort of action. i am not justifying it. nor am i condemning it. this is what happens.

like it or not, we are a business. school is big money. pressure to succeed, get a better job than your peers, outshine your parents or simply pay for yourself/family all have a great impact. capitalism is the chosen route of many modern societies. this is the modern language. if we dont like the results, we have to change the rules. i dont see anyone standing up to go first.

less than two weeks until the semester ends for me. this week is a short week, we have a long weekend so only work 3 days. then, next week is the last week and is also only 3 days (of course exams begin on friday). i must say i am ready for the semester to be over. i taught 3 new classes this semester and enjoyed the process, but nearly all my students are seniors, and if you remember the final weeks of your senior year, i am guessing classes are not what you remember.

i went to a baseball game this weekend. fun actually. it rained a bit, but the game was great (a few lead changes and it went 12 innings). the speed of the players and skill is roughly double a, although it is billed as triple a.

this weekend i am going to cuernavaca (a town about 30 minutes from where i live). the place is billed as land of eternal spring- never too hot or too cold (guatemala is also billed the same way). an acquaintance has a house there and two friends of mine and i are going down for a few days. my buddy is finishing up his second book, and i have been working on writing a foreword and am also writing one of the chapters. the idea is that he wants to have different styles, so i am taking a chapter that he wrote and making it into a scene from a film/play. creative writing is not something i have done for a while, and i have never tried to write a scene for a play, especially one that is not really for a play (it is prose) but that needs to at least look like. i have to say that the process is quite fun. i have done a few drafts and after each my friend and i get together and he tells me what he likes and what he does not (in the end the book is his). from there i come up with changes and then we go again. i have not been able to devote as much time to it as i would like, but that is part of the purpose for this weekend.
in the end, i do not see myself putting together a whole book by myself. but, working on a collaborative project is fun and knowing that it will be published is cool (the publisher is the owner of the house where we will be staying this weekend). i think i will leave the creative writing to others as they are better at it than i, but i am intrigued by the idea of writing a kind of introduction to the book. he and i have talked a lot about the book and i have read all the drafts and given lots of feedback. the process is fun in the sense that ideas i come up with he implements into his story (sometimes not always). so now i am going to try and place the book in a larger context and make some connections between genres and how it fits into whatever we are calling literature nowadays (postmodern seems rather done). also, i will be translating my own work into spanish so that the book will have a somewhat broader appeal down here (although the creative part will be only in english).

lots of projects are cooking. we started a philosophy seminar that meets every two weeks and i presented a few weeks ago. my presentation was the basis for an essay i wrote which i then sent to tech with my graduate application. on that note, i spoke to the secretary of the grad school today and she said they are now reviewing my app. i should know within the next two weeks what their decision is. in many ways i am nervous, but i keep reminding myself that if i do not get in, i will apply more places next time and will have more experience with the subject in general. we shall see.

as i am sure y'all have to deal with constant media bombardment regarding the democratic primary season, i will make this comment brief. also, i must admit my only sources of information on the campaign are the new york times, the economist, the wall street journal and an occasional article from the washington post. certainly none of these are unbiased. indeed, i should make a whole post about what is happening at the wall street journal where the chief editor has resigned, thereby paving the way for murdoch and his own ¨supereditor¨ to take over the course of the paper, one of the most respected in the country (if not the most respected), and run it toward a more centric, mainstream media fluff line. disappointing, but what can you expect: i doubt anyone actually thought this newscorp takeover would make the paper ¨better¨ but i doubted it would move from its previously business-first slant with often surprising, though always well-funded, tangents found in its investigative articles.

ok, enough about the wsj. so clinton won by about 10%. the media claim that this is enough to keep her in the race (although i doubt the clinton campaign needs or does listen to what most media outlets purport in this area). is this a bad idea? if obama were such a strong candidate would he have not already put her away? she has lost, months ago, the edge in campaign funding and seems mainly to hold the lead with white-male middle to lower class workers. will this win her the presidency?

to flip it, would obama win the presidency with his currents constituents? are both fucked? is mccain in a better position now that they are both concentrating on each other rather than on him? the general sentiment is that as they battle each other, mccain gains support. really? would someone who was going to vote for clinton or obama switch to repub? doubtful. likewise, are there repubs watching the dems and thinking, oh yeah, i want to vote for one of those two instead? slight.

if anything, the battle keeps interest in the election. in years past we have had somewhere around 50% voter turnout. interest seems paramount.

do i think that the dems will be beat the repubs? no. but, i think that the current situation has nothing to do with it. they will lose because of a fracture; this current situation is not the rupture to which i refer. dems have a very wide range of beliefs, and making them all fit into one candidate will ultimately fail. a third candidate is bound to appear and suck up some of those votes. the repubs have a better ability, at least in recent history, to rally around one individual. my ideas on why this is (religion, group-think mentality) are irrelevant as they are simply opinion. however, i do believe a two party system is bound to screw over lots of people. in recent years it has been the dems. i doubt this will change in the near future.

i might as well add a few more things.

first, i am fairly convinced that water can be addictive. i stopped drinking sodas a few years ago (my first year in mexiland) except for the occasional soda with street tacos (and really, they have nothing else to drink, so you might as well have soda to wash down the cow head). in any event, i have increased my coffee levels (but as i drink instant most of the time i feel like this is really only partially bad) and gone absolutely insane on water.

today, for example, i have drunk almost 3 liters. no shit. bathroom? yes, please.

i am sure that this has a lot to do with my body getting used to the amount of water and then simply feeling dry or parched without it, but when i go to bed at night, i cannot even keep track of the number of times i filled up my water bottle that day.

i also am not sure that i eat less because of all this water i drink. the advertisements told me (and i always listen and believe) that drinking two liters a day would reduce my appetite. that, boys and girls, is a lie. so much for filling up on water.

in other news (for me), i watched a few good movies recently. i'm not there, the bob dylan flick, was quite good. also, i liked the into the wild movie based on the book by jon krakauer. as i reread the book a few months ago, it was good to see a film be somewhat true to its roots. somewhat. that is the fun of conjecture i guess.

timmay, i did indeed see rambo. all i was hoping for really.

if i were to leave this land of plenty (mexico that is), what would i do? paying more than 1.50 for a movie (to own) seems steep. how will i get my pirate fix? bit torrent? is that even legal still? would this mean i have to pay for internet access? i have not done that since...
never really. when i was at tech i just used the passwords of other people (and most of the time i did not even know that, so it was sweet). well, i did use skip's password for a while. or was that brian rob's? curtis's? meh. the point is that i like not having to pay for internet access. maybe i can find an apartment complex and a neighbor with wireless whose signal is powerful enough to reach my apartment. mmmm. free internet. i dont think we should have to pay for that. of course, i have similar feelings about batteries, medicine and film. i digress.

school is almost over down here. this is our last full week of class. next week we have a four day weekend (labor day). the following week ends on wednesday. then final exams start. of course, i did sign up to teach summer school to make extra cash, but i will have a few weeks in between which should be cool for resting. i still have to go to work, but without students, this campus is awesome. my favorite times of the school year are just after students leave and just before they arrive for the new semester. i think i am the prototype.

ruthless.

ok, so i took some time off. i had to write grad school applications, written sample, blah blah blah.

it would be easiest to say that i made a mistake when i studied an ma in literature, but that would also be a mistake. it was not an error; it will help me in the future; it was expensive.

all those statements are true. of course, i could also say i have blown off three years in mexico, but that would be incorrect. because of my time here i have figured out a better idea of what i want to do in the future. surprise surprise. it involves going back to school. nothing like 5 more years of graduate school. why have just one master's degree when you can have two? and a doctorate. i have to be accepted first before any of this happens, but i should know in the next three weeks or so.

worst case, i sit tight here and apply to more schools in january (cornell would be at the top as well as a few schools in europe). on the other hand, there is something to be said for going to a cheaper school, cornell is outrageously expensive, and simply working my ass off to make my time there worth it.

so then a question: is the name of the graduate school that important? or, can you go to a somewhat lesser grad school and simply become a prolific reader and writer as a way to advance at the next level (post doctoral degree)? i am hoping on the latter.

we have a new color today. brown. ish.

procrastination is the name of today's game. i have many exams on my desk but cannot find the motivation to do anything more than stare back at them. damn grades. students dont like them, and honestly, neither do teachers. i have a friend at a university here who said at the end of her classes (not at the school where i teach), the teacher asked the students, as a whole, what grade they thought they deserved. that was the grade they received. my friend did a lot of work, perhaps more than all others, but she said she deserved a 90. others, who did nothing, said they deserved a 10. they got what they wanted. is that a wise system?

do grades really matter? can you put a number on someone and evaluate them? iq tests are quite stupid in general, but so are sat's, toefl, gre, gmat, etc. what can you memorize? how good are you at following a system and answering questions based on knowledge of how test's are made. mr kaplan made a lot of money this way by simply instructing his friends, later on private clients, about how to take a standardized. if courses such as this work, and they do, then what does that tell us about testing?

of course i would be a liar if i said that such testing is not helpful. it all depends on what kind of help is needed. the people who receive the results are looking for something. what? will they get a fair judgment of a student's ability?

in the end, i have to grade these damn things. i might as well start now.

one more just for fun. if you have never had paella (seafood, rice, meat), it is unbelievable. get someone who is of spanish decent to make you some pronto.

i think this might actually be from last summer. nevertheless, here is the paella group. the two white people bookend the others. the guy next to me is from mexico, the other three guys are from spain (well, not actually, they are from here, but less than one generation removed, so they like to be from spain). fun group. especially as the three in the middle quickly regain their spain spanish accent and lingo- hilarious actually. the food took nearly 3 hours to prepare (too many cooks).

the thrill, like my beard, is now gone. for those who have never had a bushy beard, i can describe it as like losing a friend. a warm, cushiony, thoughtful, supportive friend. it keeps the wind from biting your face too hard. when laying on a hard surface, it provides support like a small, face-shaped pillow. when you drink something, it retains a little bit of it, allowing you enjoy the flavor seconds after your mouth has emptied (ok, this can be annoying at times, but you get used to it). finally, the abundant beard is supportive as it allows you to rest your head on your hand without actually touching your face and it also allows you store small items, like pencils, in the beard (like putting it behind your ear but more fun and variable).

this is a day of mourning in many senses.

jimza- when the lady was removing my 3 months of growth yesterday, she stopped at the stache and asked if i wanted to keep it. many thoughts ran through my head, not the least of which had to do with the oft cited pornstars who sport, well, porn staches. at the end i let it go. sweet sorrow my friend. sweet sorrow.

timmay- chinstrap? well, well. color me bad. or perhaps 3rd bass? if you are sporting a bald dome, then you absolutely need to send me a picture. if not, can i search the color me bad archives online and find a match?

hand loss. rape. armed robbery. dear god. and they are writing songs called ¨send'em back¨? are they referring to themselves and juvey? that is quite a list of misdemeanors/felonies. oc would be proud.

chavez is still the flavor of the month in many places down here. however, he is (appearing to be) a loud windbag who stirs up trouble by railing against foreign (mainly us) involvement in anything central/south american yet failing to produce policy that adequately supports/benefits his own people. in that sense, he is no different from so many other politicians in general. castro's exit (or at least his switch to only one hand on the wheel) creates a socialist gap in the caribbean which he is more than willing to fill. what the long term effects of that would be should be of concern but with that guy, well, i am not sure he thinks much beyond his next interview or public appearance.

pennsyltuckians? that is fucking hilarious. hooray for hillbillies.

by the by, are you married yet timmay? shotgun?

ah timmay, if it were only that simple. perhaps it is the genes and the change of environment. but, i prefer to blame students. in either case, i am feeling better finally.

first the florist, then the sorocies? interesting. i assume these are sisters of your girlie. tri-delt by any chance?

the pa woods. turn anything loose up there and death will soon follow. if the critters dont get you the inhabitants will. sounds like a challenge.

spring break is less than 2 weeks away. i still have no plans. i will most likely stay in mexiland; there are tons of places i have never been to. of course, cancún would be interesting, but i might be too old for that place now (señor frogs, dear god). panama is an option, but the price of flights is outrageous. i might just chill out in town, go to a bull fight, catch a baseball game (if they are already playing) and save for a trip later. colombia is my first choice for vaca. unfortunately, that jackass chavez has to be an asshole about everything. well, i think colombia will get through it unscathed. hopefully chavez will not. lost it.

not too much exciting here. i am applying for jobs in the states, but that might turn out to be nothing (fucking criminal record).

a friend of mine is in contact with the taiwanese attaché (mexiland does not recognize them as a country because, well, china is bigger than we are), and he claims the government is throwing money at foreigners to come study there. he wants me to apply. there is a meeting next wednesday (goodbye burly beard, scraggly hair) and i will attend to see what the deal is. a few years ago i was set to go to taiwan. there is much that interests me about learning mandarin chinese, but there are practical issues to deal with before that could happen.

anyway, that is the deal this side of the wall. is that even still in the news up there? many of my students were defending the wall today. they said that if mexico could fix their problems, then it would be necessary to have the wall, but until then, well, it makes sense.

i will leave you with that.

abundant. that was how my student this morning described my beard. unprompted, unsolicited but amusing. she just saw me and said, ¨william, your beard is (pause) abundant.¨ i applauded her on the use of the word.

then she said: ¨but i don't like it.¨ crestfallen, as you might imagine, i smiled magnanimously and told her that she was not alone in her feelings of aversion toward what i consider not only a simple act of laziness (i hate shaving) but also a symbolic gesture. it is (was) winter. humans grow beards for a reason. winter is cold. hence, perhaps the reason humans grow beards is to protect from this chill. i am simply hearkening back to a time before patagonia jackets and north face caps.

she was quickly joined by a few other (female) voices explaining to me the error of my ways.

¨you would look better without it¨
¨it makes you look old¨
¨why do you want to look like that?¨

undeterred, i responded that it pleased me. and at once i felt like charlie kane responding to susan's insistance that she stunk at singing and did not understand why she had to continue.

what does not please me, however, is blowing my nose with said beard. if you have never had a beard, or mustache at least, then let me fill you in on some finer aspects. first, you the hair is a literal barrier to the skin of the lips. this is obvious, but the implications are important. when you blow your nose, a seal is created, otherwise snot goes everywhere. well, this is seal is impossible with a mustache, so inevitably you fail to catch all the mucus in the tissue. which leads to having to blow your nose and then wipe the stache. no one likes that. certainly no one else wants to have to see it. unpleasantness ensues.

my friend from texas, happy remember the alamo day by the way (timmay we will have to talk about history from a mexi view one day), gave me his opinion of the beard last night. he said that the beard, combined with the longish hair, gave me that certain je ne sais quoi. actually, that is not true. he knew exactly what it gave me.

¨you look like a redneck.¨

now we're getting somewhere.

sick. sucks.

there is definitely a problem with me. i eat lots of vitamins, have never eaten this much healthy food in my life and i still get sick (cold, not stomach) every 3 months. actually, i was sick less than 2 months ago. maybe it is all the pollution. maybe i am just weak. either way it is no fun.

timmay, i liked your comments. i will respond to them at a point where focusing on the screen is less difficult.

i applied to wyoming today. we will see if they love me or hate me. i am guessing they have already hired someone as there are probably lots and lots of people who would love to live in northern wyoming. well, i would anyway, and i doubt i am that different from, well, ok. maybe i am. either way, i hope i get the job.