i was bummed the other day to see that i was listed as an out of state resident for virginia tech. so, i consulted my sis and with her advice i wrote to the school, they re-evaluated the application and, believe it or not, granted me in-state tuition. i have to admit i was definitely sad at having to pay around 16-17000 bucks over the first year and possibly the second. at least this way the tuition is about cut in half. relief.

Having to choose what is left behind creates many more challenges than what to take. I see that superficially this is a semantic game. Each idea could mean the same thing. Both situations require something to be left, but there is a subtler force at work. When deciding what to take, you look for essentials. This clearly depends on the trip and of course the person. Vacations may seem simple and clear, but what happens when you are like many of the people I have known over the past few years who are on extended stays. My friends mike and sam, who I hung out with and spent Christmas day with on the side of an active volcano, were on a vacation, but theirs was a 12 month stint. Round the world ticket, 12 months to use it. True, they spent about 6 months in Australia, but when we met them, in month 11 of 12, they were down to one backpack each. Not some giant pack people hiking the Appalachian trail use, but a book bag size pack. True they were each jammed, but damn. If you have ever taken a two week vacation (or longer), you know that when you get back things are a bit different and you are usually somewhat content to be home. Now picture that feeling on a scale immensely larger. Where is your home? Do you have any of the same clothes you started out with? Chances are the only constants are your camera (maybe) and pack.

For mike and sam, they had nothing original when they made that final flight back to England. I know bc I saw them the night before they left mexico- they and karla and I went to dinner. It was strange when karla and I descended the tunnel into the metro station and they were going to walk a bit and then head back to the hotel. When you take leave of someone in a public space, it is quite different from leaving someone in an apt or house and taking a cab from there (or getting in your car and driving away never to see them again). When was the last time you knew you were seeing someone for the last time? Coworkers (students) come and go. But chances are for most of you your friends are your friends. You know them and even if they move away, you will see them again. I have made a kind of profession of having to say goodbye to people I will never see again. College is crap, so I will throw that out. San fran, I lost a lot. Yes, I hope to see many of them again, like hulia, kristanovich, some of the boys from the mill, but in general, the vast majority are gone. Three years after grad school and where do I stand. My last email to anyone in or around flagstaff was almost two years ago. Cuban b, jam, j-rod, a few others I hope to see again, but most I will never cross paths with again. Undoubtedly I am not alone in this, and most of the people reading this have an idea what I am describing, but imagine giving up your best friends, on average, every two years. Why would you do that?

Which brings me back to the original question. What do you leave behind? How many memories, weekends, trips, promises, will you simply not pack with you? If you could perhaps you would include them all, but realistically, you know damn well you cannot. Who do you cut? Why? How do you justify it to yourself, or do you simply let them fade away and hope you either gave them the wrong email address or simply never will write you. Is there any way to make yourself stop feeling like a bastard? And girlfriends or boyfriends that get left behind? Shit. I must say though that it seems to be easier being the one leaving than the one staying. All those little reminders that stay in a place long after you leave it: restaurants, common friends, even simple things like streets you used to travel to get their house, signs or commercials you used to laugh at. They don’t change. So you have to. Or become, I imagine, incredibly thick skinned. Either way, it sounds fucking horrible.

Books and clothes are the first on my cut list. Some of the clothes I came down here with I simply wore out. Washing by hand every week took its toll on shits, underwear, socks, and even pants. The seems just give out eventually from overuse. This is why normal people have a clothes rotation greater than two pairs of pants, seven shirts, seven pair of socks and underwear, etc. but then when you get beyond that number, how do you carry it around with you when you leave? Without a car, what do you do? If you cannot carry it for a minimum of 200 yards, then you are fucked my friend. Start junking shit. Clock radio you bought six months before? Gone. A book you bought, thought you might read, never did, and weighs half a pound? Out (times 10). You literally will get to the point of: okay, I know I will need deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo and soap where I am going, but do I have take with me what I have or can I just wait and buy it when I get there (will that make my first stop a drugstore or will I simply smell for a day or so)? You start to spend long amounts of time simple staring at your belongings, cataloguing. Those three shirts- Sergio, raul, or chucho. Those pants, Emilio. The sports coat clark gave you- return it.

It says a lot about you what you are willing to shed. How important is a book to you? If you are like, you just do not even buy things for yourself anymore. I will see about 10 people over the next few months that I have not seen in quite a while and I would like to bring them all gifts, but how? I have already bought another suitcase and will now have three checked and one carry on- over the limit and probably 50 bucks in fees (damn the new airline regulations), but what else can I do? Give away gifts I bought, in some cases, 8 months ago? So you start to weigh the worth of your belongings. What value does it have? Not only that, but what value will it have in 2 years when you may pick up and do it all over again?

Ultimately, you look around your apartment and realize that maybe 15% of what you see will be with you in two weeks (if you are me you do anyway). How do you justify what gets tossed? Little things like a mug I took from sanbornes restaurant holds as much value to me as a postcard I bought in Guanajuato, but only one of them will be making the voyage to Virginia. how many times have I already done this in other places? I have had 21 roommates over the last 15 years. And, two years ago, I had still had 21. that is a lot of damn people. The last time I wrote or heard from a single one of them not named jimza? Well over a year and a half. The last time I heard from one before that? Three years or more.

How do you keep count of these things? When you add it all up and settle the account, what do you do with the paper? I guess if it comes down to carrying it or shredding, then pass the matches.

back from vacation. great trip actually. i went to taxco (biggest silver mines in the americas), then zihuatanejo (beach), then uruapan (colonial town in the mountains) and morelia. lot of fun, and i visited another (inactive) volcano and saw a destroyed town. the volcano exploded about 60 years ago, burying the entire town in lava (the people got out). crazy thing is that in the middle of the lava sea is a church. 16th century cathedral survived (in part). it is wild to see miles of lava and then sticking out of the middle is 16th century architecture. i will try to get some picks up soon.


on another note, i wrote a few journal type entries which i will now add. might interest you, might not.

Have you ever given up on something you felt would have made the biggest difference in your life? Have you ever begun something and then pulled out without the finality you thought you would find? Did it burn? Or, did you simply accept it and see the new challenge involved in the unexpected change?

Leaving a country is not like leaving a town or a state. I know this sounds pedantic, and I apologize, but reflection is key. You buy a new car or a house, and undoubtedly you start to examine what led to that event. What changed in you to make this a necessity (we must careful when we confuse wants and needs)? Or was it spur of the moment? I know the latter quite well, but I think I am in denial about the former.

Quitting a country is like nothing I can easily compare. Your friends are different. Sure, most speak another language, but their world view is one you cannot truly comprehend. Empathize is what people tell you when confronted with a new world, whether it be a new economic circle or simply a new town. Has it worked for you? I find it a lie. You cannot truly put yourself in their shoes (my sister who is a psychologist might agree with me), so all you can do is attempt to understand. But you will fail. Sad but true. By definition, it is not your world you are relating to, so what within you makes it possible? Compassion is a common response. I have learned a thing or two about displacement and fitting in; hell, we all have. But there comes a time when you say, this ain’t my scene and it never will be. If it is a party, you walk the fuck out. If it is a place that does not quite fit, you accept it and leave. But what if you try to adapt? What if you try, succeed to an extent, then leave? Do you feel a sense of self-betrayal? Or do you ignore that feeling and concentrate on the future unknown? I would argue that even if you are going back to a place you know, that place is unknown, un lugar desconocido. You have a memory of it, but that is not present reality. You thought, but that thought is now outdated. You might end up right back where you started.

I know the usa better than anywhere else in the world. I have experience in seven different countries, but none of those are mine. I can honestly say that right now I am not sure if the us is mine. Reading too many of the famous ex-pats from the early 20^th century, from Gertrude stein to ezra pound, to hemingway to fitzgerald, I find more in common with them than I do H.L. Mencken who, famously, stayed. He did not give up on a country he described as disillusioned, false and economically unfeasible. Was he right? Will a country that feeds on consumerism outlast all others? I attended a lecture series down here by a self proclaimed ¨outcast¨ morris berman. I found myself more at odds with him than I did us policy. Anger? Disgust at being told a truth I found too consistent and therefore repugnant? Probably. But his own words spurred me to defend more than contribute fuel to a fire that is already consuming our country. So why do I side with those who fled 100 years ago and settled in france (they settled there, mostly, because of the favourable exchange rate by the way, and not simply because france is the capital of all forward thinking and avant garde)? Weakness? Inability to think for myself? Quite possibly.

So why did y’all stay? Why did none of you decide to quit the us and go somewhere else to ride out the storm? Did you see the storm as the eye of Jupiter? Yes, it has lasted for over 60 years, but did they tell you it is now clearing up? We have called it Cyclops for so long we might not recognize it if we were transported to the future in a hundred years and heard others discussing it. Is the us the same way. Empires are destined to fall is cliché. Clichés are accidents at first however. They spell out what we all know too well and are therefore easily dismissed as pedestrian. The Japanese effectively concurred the Chinese. Would we have seen the revival of china so easily? The Arabic and jewish nations have long heralded the coming of a new world order (no slight to george bush senior in my stealing of his phrase). Do you believe in it? Which?

Those famous ex-pats are all dead. And I am returning home. How long will home offer me the sustenance I apparently am after? Friendships span border lines; that y’all have shown me. I can reciprocate, but will that be enough to bridge the gaps we now find? What borders have been crossed that cannot be retread?

although i have not heard back from scotland, i wanted to do more checking on costs, and found some very bad news.

it appears that with tuition and fees, plus living, i would be running around 34000 bucks a year. that is a conservative estimate. it seems all that time i have spent thinking about it was not worth it. no way in hell i can afford that. i could not afford it for one year, much less two. oh well. looks like i will be virginia bound for the next two years. i am not disappointed so much as sad that the dollar is so weak compared to the pound. the good news is that funding for phd's is much better- more grants and such.

i guess i'm coming home.

still no word from scotland.

what would you do in my place if you were to get in? would you spend more money to go to the uk or stay in va for two years, get a master's and then go somewhere else, possibly scotland, for a phd? i am still up in the air. i want to go to scotland but money is a factor. i could just say screw it, go deep in debt and attend a school with an amazing reputation worldwide and one of the best schools in the field i want to study. if i go, there is the strong likelihood that i would stay and do a phd (in fact, if i did not stay in scotland, i would probably look for another phd program in europe). of course, once there, there is also the strong chance of me winning scholarships for the coming years.

in the end, five-six years down the road, i can definitely see myself teaching in europe somewhere. there are a few scandanavian schools that offer one year exchanges with schools in europe and from there i could get a foothold and scout a teaching position. or, i could stay in scotland or england. or, i could go to holland (there are a few schools there as well). the benefit of europe is their focus (generally) on theoritical issues, while the us school of thought is more pragmatic. i really dig theory, but maybe having a few years of the american school and then going to europe could also be good. i see advantages to both decisions. of course, deep down, i would love to go to edinburgh as it is such an incredible school and offers me the chance to keep moving (forward). also, the access to europe i would have is also a huge factor.

i have had enough of central america; i am ready (finally) to see europe. i remember five or six years ago having conversations with my sisters, and probably others, about why i did not want to go to europe. my reasons were that i did not have the money for europe (still dont), and that i may as well go to central and south america while i still dont mind sleeping on floors and living in dilapidated environs. what has changed? well, i prefer floors to bug infested beds (damn nicaragua). but, after seeing all of central america (ostensibly), i think i want to see what europe has to offer. as just about everyone and their mama has already seen europe, i wont expound upon things i dont know. simply, i want to go. plus, now that i have started learning french, i realize that, for better or worse, my mind is right to acquire new languages when it was not 15 years ago. thus, it would behoove me to take advantage of this time and go learn by exploring and talking with native speakers. that can, of course, be accomplished in blacksburg va. not saying it cannot. however, it would ideal to practice for a year, then actually go to france on a train.

anyway. rambling thoughts on a dreary, rainy and cold morning here in the valley of kings. 8500ft in altitude, sight of an ancient lake, ringed by 13-18,000 foot mountains and volcanoes, and home to the largest city in the world (i still think it is) at over 25 million people. can you believe a country boy from virginia who grew up on a farm is living here? neither can anyone else.

no news on scotland.

i finished war and peace, or the never-ending story, about a week ago. i mean, how can someone read 5-600 pages in a single weekend and be barely over halfway through a book. that is cruel. i blame the author.

of course the book itself is brilliant. the first aspect that struck me was the first person usage. tolstoy is telling the story from his point of view, 50 years after the events. he gives wonderful descriptions of napolean, kutuzov (russian general), of the russian emporer and of the nobility. of course, the peasant class is there, but not really part of the story. they are a tool more than anything. like horses in a way are utilized and often have to die, or suffer some sort of bad accident, so too do these people. you feel bad about it, but then how much thought do we give to animals that died in battles long ago.

so the novel is epic in its scope, but that vision is narrow. 1500 pages, so he could not include everything, but in the end he seemed to stick to what he knows. maybe that is the best idea in general. write about what you know and not some bullshit you cant comprehend.

i just finished reading albert camus's ¨the stranger.¨ have to say i did not really like this book as much (although the last 60 pages of war and peace is an essay- part of the reason why the book is not really a novel- too much non-fictional extrapolating done by a first person author). one thing that interests me though is the use of the guilotine for executions.

is it better than hanging? electric chair? lethal injection? the guilotine seems to me the most efficient of all. the weight of the blade would remove the head in one shot. at the very least there is nothing really to feel (unless some of you know more about this than i do and can tell me i am wrong).

but, it seems more brutal than lethal injection. not sure where i stand on hanging. i do think the electric chair must be absolutely fucking horrible.

when an author writes about the mind of someone who is facing death or long jail time, do you think the author ever feels a twinge, something telling him/her that perhaps that subject should not be written about? superstition. i think i would avoid it entirely. but i dont see myself writing any novels any time soon. shocker.