mcafee's knob, late october
10 November 2008
so i just read a comment left by an anonymous poster. i wish everyone would write a name or a clue as to their identity, but maybe it is easier not to say who you are. in any event, i think i have an idea who it might be. in response to the post - i hope you are right that being the one left behind is easier in the long run. the leaver definitely does regret, and it makes it hard for that person to then later reach out to the person left behind. that person made a huge impact in the life of the leaver, but it is true that the leaver feels guilt. guilt for leaving. guilt for not finding a better way. guilt for not doing everything possible.
i have long been of the opinion that you cannot take it with you. if one person needs to move, for school, job, etc., then asking the partner to go with you leads to immediate and long-term problems. when you go with someone, the semantics of it already points to a problem - the choice was not yours. you would not have left of your own accord. this could lead to problems if you are not happy in your new location and eventual resentment. what happens if that is not the final move? what if right when you get adjusted you have to move again? what if you are the one who decides to move: should the other go with you or stay to finish what was started?
clearly, this is a pessimistic view. every day people make these decisions. often they are happy. there are a hundred responses to my above claims, not the least being, if you really care about someone else, then it will work out somehow. that scares me a bit though bc it implies that one or both will become unhappy and then have to work through it. unfortunate for both sides really.
either way, going with or staying behind, the challenge is to deal with that new life which is created. the challenge for me has always been that no matter where i have lived, i have always sought some other view. true, i would love to be in the mountains again (sorry, va, these are more hills than mountains), but i know it will be at least 4 years until i have that opportunity again. and then i am already considering europe or south america or australia. and yes, i am selfish. if i were asked, after 4 years, to move to kansas to be with someone else, i would have to say no. i will compromise, but only on my conditions. i realize this sounds like a 12 year old, but it is who i am. maybe i will change in 4 years. maybe not
either way, i am glad for the person who responded. i think i know who you are, but even if i am wrong, i am glad to remember this person. and yes, i am still jealous of that ride snowboard.
i have long been of the opinion that you cannot take it with you. if one person needs to move, for school, job, etc., then asking the partner to go with you leads to immediate and long-term problems. when you go with someone, the semantics of it already points to a problem - the choice was not yours. you would not have left of your own accord. this could lead to problems if you are not happy in your new location and eventual resentment. what happens if that is not the final move? what if right when you get adjusted you have to move again? what if you are the one who decides to move: should the other go with you or stay to finish what was started?
clearly, this is a pessimistic view. every day people make these decisions. often they are happy. there are a hundred responses to my above claims, not the least being, if you really care about someone else, then it will work out somehow. that scares me a bit though bc it implies that one or both will become unhappy and then have to work through it. unfortunate for both sides really.
either way, going with or staying behind, the challenge is to deal with that new life which is created. the challenge for me has always been that no matter where i have lived, i have always sought some other view. true, i would love to be in the mountains again (sorry, va, these are more hills than mountains), but i know it will be at least 4 years until i have that opportunity again. and then i am already considering europe or south america or australia. and yes, i am selfish. if i were asked, after 4 years, to move to kansas to be with someone else, i would have to say no. i will compromise, but only on my conditions. i realize this sounds like a 12 year old, but it is who i am. maybe i will change in 4 years. maybe not
either way, i am glad for the person who responded. i think i know who you are, but even if i am wrong, i am glad to remember this person. and yes, i am still jealous of that ride snowboard.
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