back from vacation. great trip actually. i went to taxco (biggest silver mines in the americas), then zihuatanejo (beach), then uruapan (colonial town in the mountains) and morelia. lot of fun, and i visited another (inactive) volcano and saw a destroyed town. the volcano exploded about 60 years ago, burying the entire town in lava (the people got out). crazy thing is that in the middle of the lava sea is a church. 16th century cathedral survived (in part). it is wild to see miles of lava and then sticking out of the middle is 16th century architecture. i will try to get some picks up soon.


on another note, i wrote a few journal type entries which i will now add. might interest you, might not.

Have you ever given up on something you felt would have made the biggest difference in your life? Have you ever begun something and then pulled out without the finality you thought you would find? Did it burn? Or, did you simply accept it and see the new challenge involved in the unexpected change?

Leaving a country is not like leaving a town or a state. I know this sounds pedantic, and I apologize, but reflection is key. You buy a new car or a house, and undoubtedly you start to examine what led to that event. What changed in you to make this a necessity (we must careful when we confuse wants and needs)? Or was it spur of the moment? I know the latter quite well, but I think I am in denial about the former.

Quitting a country is like nothing I can easily compare. Your friends are different. Sure, most speak another language, but their world view is one you cannot truly comprehend. Empathize is what people tell you when confronted with a new world, whether it be a new economic circle or simply a new town. Has it worked for you? I find it a lie. You cannot truly put yourself in their shoes (my sister who is a psychologist might agree with me), so all you can do is attempt to understand. But you will fail. Sad but true. By definition, it is not your world you are relating to, so what within you makes it possible? Compassion is a common response. I have learned a thing or two about displacement and fitting in; hell, we all have. But there comes a time when you say, this ain’t my scene and it never will be. If it is a party, you walk the fuck out. If it is a place that does not quite fit, you accept it and leave. But what if you try to adapt? What if you try, succeed to an extent, then leave? Do you feel a sense of self-betrayal? Or do you ignore that feeling and concentrate on the future unknown? I would argue that even if you are going back to a place you know, that place is unknown, un lugar desconocido. You have a memory of it, but that is not present reality. You thought, but that thought is now outdated. You might end up right back where you started.

I know the usa better than anywhere else in the world. I have experience in seven different countries, but none of those are mine. I can honestly say that right now I am not sure if the us is mine. Reading too many of the famous ex-pats from the early 20^th century, from Gertrude stein to ezra pound, to hemingway to fitzgerald, I find more in common with them than I do H.L. Mencken who, famously, stayed. He did not give up on a country he described as disillusioned, false and economically unfeasible. Was he right? Will a country that feeds on consumerism outlast all others? I attended a lecture series down here by a self proclaimed ¨outcast¨ morris berman. I found myself more at odds with him than I did us policy. Anger? Disgust at being told a truth I found too consistent and therefore repugnant? Probably. But his own words spurred me to defend more than contribute fuel to a fire that is already consuming our country. So why do I side with those who fled 100 years ago and settled in france (they settled there, mostly, because of the favourable exchange rate by the way, and not simply because france is the capital of all forward thinking and avant garde)? Weakness? Inability to think for myself? Quite possibly.

So why did y’all stay? Why did none of you decide to quit the us and go somewhere else to ride out the storm? Did you see the storm as the eye of Jupiter? Yes, it has lasted for over 60 years, but did they tell you it is now clearing up? We have called it Cyclops for so long we might not recognize it if we were transported to the future in a hundred years and heard others discussing it. Is the us the same way. Empires are destined to fall is cliché. Clichés are accidents at first however. They spell out what we all know too well and are therefore easily dismissed as pedestrian. The Japanese effectively concurred the Chinese. Would we have seen the revival of china so easily? The Arabic and jewish nations have long heralded the coming of a new world order (no slight to george bush senior in my stealing of his phrase). Do you believe in it? Which?

Those famous ex-pats are all dead. And I am returning home. How long will home offer me the sustenance I apparently am after? Friendships span border lines; that y’all have shown me. I can reciprocate, but will that be enough to bridge the gaps we now find? What borders have been crossed that cannot be retread?